Managing Expectations and Perfectionism in the Fourth Trimester

Managing Expectations and Perfectionism in the Fourth Trimester

Managing expectations and perfectionism in the fourth trimester, which refers to the first three months after a baby's birth, can be challenging. It's a time of adjustment for both parents and the newborn, and it's important to remember that no one is perfect and that each family's experience will be unique.

This week we are interviewing Perinatal Mental Health Therapist, Jennifer Mendoza, LCSW, PMH-C to learn more about how to navigate your fourth trimester. 

When it comes to mental health after baby arrives, what can people be doing during pregnancy to prepare for their fourth trimester?

Pregnancy is the perfect time to prioritize your mental health. Having a positive self-care practice now, ensures that you have the resources to help manage stress on your journey. Yoga, breathing exercises, meditation, and movement are all great practices to incorporate into your routine now.

Making a plan for practical support in early postpartum is key to caring for your emotional well-being. Recruiting people from your village, or hiring support if you’re able to, allows for you to focus on rest and bonding once your baby arrives so you can let go of the daily responsibilities of running your household. The daily tasks of washing dishes, vacuuming, walking the dogs, etc. can feel overwhelming when your days are spent learning to respond to and soothe your new baby. 

Communicate honestly with your partner regarding your concerns about how you will adjust to new parenthood. Additionally, couples can learn together about common emotional challenges in the fourth trimester (such as sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, adjusting to new roles, etc.). Having these conversations early on in pregnancy will help you feel more prepared for the big changes to come.

Lastly, finding postpartum support resources while you’re still pregnant can help take the guesswork out of finding support when you are in the thick of the fourth trimester. 

What can you realistically expect from the day-to-day during the first few weeks of postpartum?

Early postpartum is such a tender time. You will likely feel the intensity of frequent feedings paired with lack of sleep, learning to care for your new baby and adjusting to your new roles, and the need for rest to physically recover from your pregnancy and birth experience. These big changes pave the way for common emotional fluctuations: happiness, anxiety, sadness, irritability, and more. 

The “baby blues'' refers to the biological, hormonal, and emotional adjustment that many parents experience after giving birth. This can include tearfulness, irritability, and mood instability that lasts up to 2-3 weeks postpartum. It is important to note that a parent experiencing baby blues will still experience plenty of happiness in their daily life.

If these emotional symptoms persist longer than the 2-3 week mark, or if at any point you feel so overwhelmed that you’re not able to care for yourself or your baby in the way you need to, please seek out professional support so you can create a plan to get you feeling better and more like yourself.

If you are a self-described “Type-A” person, how can this help or hinder the fourth trimester? What do you recommend to those who are trying to release perfectionism in parenthood?

If you identify with being a “Type-A” person, you likely have spent much of your pregnancy preparing for the logistics of bringing your new baby home. It can feel helpful to have your nursery set up in just the way you want it, and to have a solid plan for postpartum. 

On the other hand, if you are a “Type-A” person you may struggle with perfectionism, hold high expectations for yourself, and exhibit a need for control in many areas of your life. These traits can increase stress in postpartum. Perfectionism in motherhood can be fueled by this “Type-A” mindset. 

Some ways that perfectionism can show up in the fourth trimester include: 

• Over-researching and stressing over feeding schedules, sleep routines, etc. It makes sense that these will be hot topics in the early postpartum time. However, being mindful of how much research is too much research is key here.
• Constant worry or fear about something going wrong, or making a mistake that could impact your baby’s well-being. This can include double-and- triple checking that your baby is still breathing okay once they’re asleep. 
• Constantly comparing yourself to other new moms and feeling you don’t measure up. 
• Having self-criticism- questioning your own abilities as a new mom, feeling awful if things don’t go as planned, and placing unrealistic expectations on yourself. 
• Difficulty asking for help. Asking for help can be seen as a sign of failure. 

Releasing the burden to get it right 100% of the time involves letting go of unrealistic expectations, especially when it comes to postpartum. Remind yourself that you are an imperfect human, and that roadblocks and mistakes in your parenting journey do not define your worth. 

When things do not go as planned, practice self-compassion and kindness instead of turning to a self-critical place. It often helps to treat yourself with the same affection and encouragement that you would offer your best friend who was struggling in the uncertainty of postpartum. 

And lastly, creating the space to nurture yourself in the fourth trimester is vital. If you can care for yourself regularly in the ways you prioritize rest, nourish your body, and participate in activities that help you feel recharged, you are more likely to view yourself with compassion and set realistic expectations for yourself in postpartum. 

What other tips do you have for expectant parents on how to manage expectations and perfectionism in the fourth trimester?

Letting go of perfectionism in your parenting journey requires you to be aware of your own patterns, be curious in your self-compassion, and be willing to explore flexibility. 

It is unrealistic to expect you to make these changes on your own, and your support system can be a helpful resource as you share your experiences in postpartum. Your support system can help keep you grounded as you navigate the changes that the fourth trimester brings. 

If you find yourself feeling so overwhelmed that your well-being is impacted and you’re having difficulty finding any joy in the fourth trimester, it may be beneficial to seek specialized mental health support or to join a postpartum support group. Therapy can be a great place to navigate perfectionism in parenting, so that you can unburden yourself from the patterns that no longer serve you or your growing family. 

Thank you, Jennifer Mendoza, for sharing your wisdom and insight on how to manage expectations and perfectionism during the fourth trimester. If you are local to San Diego you can learn more and inquire to work with Jennifer through her website https://www.jennifermendozatherapy.com/.